Found my purpose #prayforme
God often uses hid broken soldiers to fight the greatest battles. This morning (it’s a Sunday) I overslept to go to church. Bearing in mind my church service starts at 10:30am… 10 minutes walk from my house…
Then I woke up and decided not to beat myself up, instead to be kind to myself. I went to the local coffeehouse by the river and had tea and ginger cake. I have been instructed by my friend, my unofficial brand manager to research blogging. This is about healing, me healing, you healing, us healing together.
Then a random idea came into my head, if I actually did “make it” one day, what would I want the impact to be? The truth is I would want it to be fewer people becoming like me. Fewer people suffering from poor mental health, fewer people suffering from low self esteem. More people claiming their worth and accepting that they are beautiful whole.
I thought of the time when my self esteem started to tank. It was aged 10. Pre puberty is hard as hell and no one gives you any slack for it. Everyone acknowledges puberty is hard, but if you get the phase just before it wrong, you are headed for a whole lot of problems.
My problematic years were literally 10-28. I was a slow bloomer so it probably isn’t that bad for everyone else (or maybe it is, that might be the problem?) But I thought of what I wanted and it was the following.
1. It not to be associated with my real name. There is a Bible verse that says “when you give to charity, let the left hand not know what the right hand is doing” I don’t want to be credited with this, I instead want impact to happen for the right reasons, and that can’t happen if I’m constantly waiting to be thanked.
2. That it be massively impactful, things that people wouldn’t think to do. For example, my dad always wanted to go to Rome, “the eternal city” and the Vatican. He was a Methodist Minister. When he got cancer the first time round, I took him and my mum. It was something he’d always wanted to do, but never thought to do for himself. Only by listening to him like only a daughter would, did I get the idea to take him to that specific place. Then I took him to a play called “3 sisters” about the Biafran wars, it was history that he’d actually lived through as a young man. He loved it but would never have taken himself to the theatre. This is the kind of thing I’m talking about.
3. That it be free at the point of use. Let people receive the help and elevation they need.
So here is my plan.
1. I was blessed in my London life to know some fantastic people already doing incredible work with the youth, I originally planned to start something myself. When I was a Sunday school leader, I paid for my Sunday school to go to London Zoo for example, so they could see creation at work. I haven’t asked them yet, but I know they would be willing to help me do this. A series of events, days out, parties, fun activities, that I would pay for, for the benefit of kids just like me. #itstartswithus. If you feel so moved, I’d love you to join me, but it is not an obligation, or a requirement.
2. Therapy! Everyone should get therapy, and men are less likely to take it up. So my plan is to work with counsellors to provide free good quality therapy. Not pro-bono, but instead I will pay for them and then this is where you come in. I’m calling on you to pay too. We need to stop having to know someone to be kind to them. We need to promote goodness in this world. All I need is 52 people to pay for therapy for 1 person for 1 week of the year. In a year, you’ll have changed someone’s life. I guarantee that by doing that, we’ll change the world. I had a cousin/friend who was in a really dark place in the pandemic. My friend and I decided we were going to pay for therapy for her. We researched therapists and set a budget and everything. But our benefactor exited the friendship group just as we were going to broach the subject. I know this stuff is hard. I know its necessary. I’ve been to therapy. I also know how important it is.
3. Movement. Together I want us to reject the status quo, reject hateful speech, misogyny and cruelty. Together I want us to create a better world, with you in the driving seat, one that humanises people, that treats people with respect and love. That is present in the moment and enjoys life to the fullest. Together I want us to live with Grace and Courage. I want to guarantee it will not be easy, but when you are the change you seek in the world, then at the very least, you are your own inner child’s hero. And if you can do that, be a hero in your own eyes. You can do anything. Full stop no capital letter.
I am currently laughing at myself because I have written many a blog stating I am not my brother’s keeper. That community is not the answer. I have always resented obligation, and I stand by every word I said. I am not my brother’s keeper. It is for my brother to provide the basics, but it is my duty as a citizen of the world to elevate him, because it takes strength to lift someone up. If you want to lift a person onto your shoulders, you need to be deadlifting a minimum of 55kgs (my target weight) and that takes strength, however destroying something (or someone,) that has taken years to build can be done at the click of a button or by text. No strength required. Too often we take time to destroy people but we never take time to lift people up. I took 2 minutes today to buy a coffee for someone I’ll never meet. The woman at the till was so surprised that I would do such a thing. A treat for someone having a bad day or a lucky break for someone having a good one is exactly what we need in the world of a cost of living crisis. The thing about me is that I will not be asking you to do squat until I have done so myself. I have bills too, I have driving lessons, my father’s headstone etc… However I pray that when the time comes, those of you that are able (even if it’s just my mum) will join me.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother-Smith.