Father’s matter, what not to do.

A memory came to me today. It was moments after my ex-husband had a profound moment with his father. His parents had divorced when he was a child and the dad essentially did nought until the mum died, then he tried to take custody of the youngest son from that marriage who was still a minor. Leaving my ex-husband (henceforth to be known as Jude) emotionally abandoned by his father at from the ages of 9-19. This was a choice a choice to choose ease and comfort rather than to own up to your responsibilities made by a weak man and unfortunately I divorced his son for the same weakness.

Back to the memory. Moments after his son had broken down in tears to his father after an emotional journey with a counsellor, the two men come back to talk to me, all cheery and British and “stiff upper lip” as if a profound moment had not just happened.

Now for the context of the memory, I know the history of Jude Snr and his ex wife Jane. Jude Snr is Welsh and Jane was English and when they were married they lived in Wales, upon divorce Jane moved back to England.

The memory was once the 2 men came to talk to me, Jude Snr started badmouthing the late Jane, the mother, stating he wanted to come to his son’s 18th birthday party, but Jane “didn’t let him.” Let’s take aside that its wrong to blame your deficient parenting on a dead woman who can’t defend herself.

Now we’re going to spend the rest of the blog unpacking that statement based on the information I gave you.

There is no border between Wales and England. Therefore there was no border force that Jane could possibly be in control of to turn him away as “persona no grata” in England. Wales is a Principality, have you ever wondered why the Welsh dragon isn’t on the Union Flag? Not that it isn’t a country, it is a principality, i.e. run by the Prince of Wales.

Next, there was never any restraining order taken out by Jane against Jude Snr so he was free to roam the entirety of England and see his children as often as he pleased, in fact, that was what Jane wanted.

Therefore there was no logical reason that Jude Snr couldn’t attend his son’s party. Except for the lack of effort. The statement was important to me because it is the first time in my adult life that I clocked onto the fact that someone was talking absolutely talking out of their backside in the moment. Normally I realised afterwards.

The thing that was hurtful about this is that as I have said previously, father’s matter, and when fathers don’t take their job seriously then there are serious consequences for everyone.

This unfortunately isn’t the only case of Jude Snr’s weakness, and the point of this blog is not a character assassination on Jude Snr, he’s a perfectly pleasant, affable man. If you met him in the street, you’d say hello.

The next case I present is just as serious. Jude Snr had had 3 sons with Jane, his first wife, then went on to have a daughter and a son with Jennifer, his second wife. When Tom, his 3rd son by his first wife went to university in Swansea, Jude Snr did not  take the day off  or even taking some time to be late for work to drive his son to university. Despite being the finance director and the most senior person in the office.

Tom’s 2 older brothers, who included my ex husband Jude, did take the day off to drive him to university. As did I, the sister in law.

Now here is how I drive the point home on lack of effort. As it happened Jude Snr worked in a town called Bridgend in Wales, which meant that the university of Swansea was exactly halfway between the man’s home address and the man’s work address, and yet he did not take his son to his first day of university, despite being the only surviving parent. (Tom’s mum Jane had passed away when he was 9) Jude Snr did however take a long weekend the next weekend to take his 2nd wife Jennifer to Ireland to pick out a pony for his daughter.  Nor did the father do the foreplanning of, if he wasn’t willing to be late for work, have the foresight to wake up even 30 minutes earlier to make time to send his son to university for the first time. But I was willing to drive 2.5 hours from England in a loaded car to take HIS son to university for the first time because I knew it was a momentous day and he shouldn’t do it alone.

The reason I object to this weakness is because Tom did not have a living mother to take him to university, however Jennifer was alive to go and pick out a pony on her own for her daughter, and the second children go through a pony every 9-18 months meanwhile Tom’s first day at university was a once in a lifetime event. Yet again, no one pulled Jude Snr on the irrationality of his decisions. No one begged him to be a father equally to all his children. When Tom becomes successful, as I pray he will be. Jude Snr should not be able to bask in his son’s success, he did nothing. And the little he did do he begrudged. Father’s matter. And when it comes down to it, it takes strength and courage to do such an important job well. Men, take it seriously, it is a whole life you hold in your hands the day a child is born. I talk so often about how African dad’s don’t see themselves as responsible for the children they father, they think the mum is. But what happens if the mum dies? Are you still not responsible? What does it have to take for you to step up to your responsibilities?

If you can’t answer those questions, please wrap up when having sex.

The old adage is true. Any man can become a father, it takes a real man to become a dad.

Grace and courage.

Annetta Mother-Smith.