Energy
Something I lack, today is a lie in bed today. Recover, recuperate, rest. As was yesterday even though I spent it with my mum and cousins.
But something weird came over me. I made a couple of friends in the 2020’s, and one has been closer than the other. Good for a lot of things and this post is in no way a shade to her. Despite my reasoning. This is not coming from bitterness. Just maturity I guess.
As anyone who is chronically lonely I dream of marriage and being married. I dream of my wedding and who will attend, and how I will be. And the truth is that I’m not trying to compete, she won. Her wedding was 2019, her mother spent £100,000 and she wore a Phillipa Lepley dress. My wedding will be different on so many levels, I don’t want stress even the joyful stress of a wedding, “wife” will not be my personality, neither will the drama of family. My mum will be forewarned at the beginning and there will be a radio silence in terms of planning. None of my Harris family will be invited nor will they find out. Why? Because my mum hates them and I love them but I can’t deal with my mum sniping at my choices for months. I don’t want more than one bridesmaid if any because my mum wrecked my bridesmaid dresses the first time and I can’t deal with that either. I will be paying for an external person to do my africana/print if I so choose why because whenever I relied on someone from my family… it went left. The guest list will be limited to what I can afford, and people I will actually speak to. People I value. But the entire vibe will be me doing it all myself, taking my life into my own hands, handmaking things with love but also making sure that the focus is on my marriage, not my wedding. Absolutely no drama, including from suppliers. If you disobey me, I will sue you. I’m tired of people “hitting and run” knowing I won’t marry again so I can’t give you repeat business. You will do your best work with me or none at all. I am not nice, just kind and if you mistake that for weak when I am paying good money for this I will make you live to regret it.
But also I don’t want social media, I don’t want anyone who I haven’t personally invited to know before I want them to. I don’t want people comparing me or seeing an unedited un co-ordinated message. My dad’s side of the family will never find out, and my mum’s side of the family will be deliberately cut out of it. Why, because the more people who know, the more people who know my business. As I have always said, I 100% have held a grudge about my treatment after my dad’s death, or I shouldn’t say that, but it really taught me that what my parents said about my family (on both sides) was a lie. I was incredibly angry that I had been taught to love these people. I was taught to destroy my personal peace, so that others can always have what they want, people who don’t love you and shouldn’t be in your life… You will destroy yourself for.
Which brings me to the friend. I have decided the energy of comparison is not mine. I remember this particular friend was a bridesmaid at someone else’s wedding. I went to brunch with her and another friend 3 months before someone else’s wedding and they had to buy bridesmaid dresses… The level of bitching was unreal, brunch probably ended at 3pm, I’d have left around 7:30pm… Bitching. Paris? 2 months before the wedding? Bitching. Laughing at the bride for being frumpy and not inviting them to the bridal appointments, mad at the maid of honour for not doing things “her way” and then… laughing and smiling on the person’s wedding day as if they hadn’t spent days of mental energy destroying your wedding before they stepped foot there. I’m sure it was a wonderful day for the happy couple, but this particular friend spent as much time on this as the bride did.
Then there was Joe. The first man I have ever loved and I just wanted to be happy, to enjoy a moment where love wasn’t polarising or loaded, and I forgave, I didn’t forget. And as of then that was the moment I didn’t realise it, but that was the moment she was disinvited to the wedding’s inner circle. Why? Because she was happy to destroy me, she spread my extremely personal writings with other people, and therefore she lost that space. I literally didn’t realise it until today.
No hate, just a shift in energy.
Grace and Courage.
Annetta Mother Smith.