Enabler vs Empowerer

As I have told you before. I am not a nice person. And now I realise why. I am not an enabler.

When I worked at the RCGP we had 8 programmes of work, and underneath it we had “Enabling functions” such as Finance, HR and Facilities.

It is there that the word “Enable” became troublesome for me. What an “Enabling function” actually meant in reality was “human shield” i.e. if anything went down in the business (and things often did) the person to blame sat in the Enabling functions. It was our jobs to influence, challenge and advise. Not to enable.

A drug dealer is an enabler. They enable you to have a drug habit. But does that mean that you are living your best life? No it sure as hell doesn’t.

My parents marriage was another example of enabling. They loved each other desperately, but they enabled the other’s worst impulses under the guise of “Oh well you can’t change people” No you can’t but you can influence them. If every time my father wanted to play “African man” there was a realistic chance his wife would leave him for his destructive behaviour, then that man would have dropped it real quick because he really did love my mother and he really didn’t love his family. But my mum never left or threatened to, so he assumed he could have both with no consequence, but there was a consequence, for my mother and I when we lost him far too early because of the stress his family put him under.

There were similar examples for my mum, if every time my mum had a new scheme my father put his foot down and said, that isn’t going to work for this family then they would have had a healthier relationship. But neither did. So both people sat, quite happily in love but indulging in their worst impulses.

I expect my new husband to challenge me, to constantly call me out on my BS to help me grow. I want the discomfort of evolution. I want the joy of being better and stronger in 10 years mentally, and physically than I am today. I want my marriage to be about empowerment and not enabling. Because ultimately when I am an enabler, there is no journey, I just hold you up when you are down.

Empowering someone expects that there will be a journey. Someone will need to walk with you to give you power when you have none. To provide, support, challenge and advice. To be your cheerleader and your “critical friend” (Sainsburys’ term) But also, by giving you power it implies they themselves are powerful because you can’t give what you don’t have. It also means that your success is their success and your failure is theirs too. There is a shared responsibility and an amount of investment in empowering someone. There is also an expectation that one day they will fly the nest and leave you (death) or if you aren’t really soulmates, then (divorce.)

I was an enabler in my first marriage. I intend to be an empowerer in my second. I expect my husband to empower me too.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.