Boy-friends

This may or may not go on the site. They say the God’s flip a coin. Well, so will I. this is about my brief experience having male friends and trying to be a normal adolescent whilst #growingupblack.

I remember when I was 18. I had a boyfriend…ish. I’d rather not classify our relationship status. It was a weird one. Quite literally 50 shades of grey. No kissing and yet I was very much his.

This young man is now a young lady. She transitioned after A levels, so I will use his pronouns as they were at the time of the event.

I told you I invited him to my Christmas carol service. My God I had a hard stomach for heartbreak. Why can’t I desire an easy life? Why, didn’t I at the time desire a man to cherish me? Instead I got Jamie, who was a complete dick to me and my faith, but he was smart, even if he was deliberately hurtful and disrespectful in a way that only a 18 year old arrogant middle class boy with 0 life experience could be.

Jamie was an atheist. A Richard Dawkins level Atheist. I am a Christian who was at the time a Sunday school leader girls brigade leader and a Priest’s daughter. Not that who your father is has any bearing on your faith. However, you can see from the get go this was not a relationship I needed to be cultivating. We butted heads...a lot. When she became Paula, she openly asked me why I put up with her. The ugly truth? Pain felt familiar. I had no knowledge of being treated well. I didn’t have any relationship attachment to him, but he had a Christian Grey like presence in my life.  Controlling, vulnerable, messed up. I shouldn’t have stuck around, but I wasn’t used to having any sort of attention, so even negative attention was good. But when we got along, we’d have interesting conversations about our opposing views of religion. He helped me shape my views on my faith versus religion. I ended up speaking to an imam of all people about it. I’d gotten Jesus into this “6ft 4 blond haired blue eyed guy who was just better than everybody” box rather than God incarnate and all that entails. How did I get myself into this box? Arguing myself into a corner with Jamie being a dick.

If I could take anything from my relationship with Jamie and propel it forward into my marriage it is the ability for us both to critically analyse something, in detail and have informed intellectual discussions. I forgot how much I was dumming myself down for my ex husband. When I was friends with Jamie, we were both the same level of critical thinkers. It was good to go head to head with the best. I also felt that because we were so close it was a thrill because it was the closest I’d had to a boyfriend.

There was lovely Liam, a guy I was totally unattracted to (it was mutual, he had a girlfriend), who was utterly devoted to his girlfriend and allowed me to rest my head on his shoulder in Maths (in an utterly platonic way. He was my friend, and it was our thing. Genuinely. And if the ghost of my father is reading this, I was also legit listening in maths whilst having my head on this guys’ shoulder (on occasion.)) I thought he was very sweet.

If I could take anything from my relationship with Liam, it would be his sweetness. He was/is (I hope) a genuine, geeky guy who was clearly devoted to his girlfriend. He was sweet to everyone, which is why he let me put my head on his shoulder. I enjoyed feeling safe.

Then there was Ben College. Ben College was tall,  broad, and into lizards, and other things to terrify me (snakes and spiders) I once went with him (and a group of friends,) to pets at home to buy food for his lizard…live maggots. I don’t know why I’m into punishment. I need to see someone about that. I know I’m a thrill seeker, I staying to the end and scaring the hell out of myself.  But why girl? Why? What was the reason??? Therapist, please unpack this!

But what I liked about Ben College was that I could sit on his lap. I’m in fact a cat, I often see myself as kitten like and if I like a guy, I will legit sit on his lap. Its me feeling safe. I love it. People would call it Riske, I suppose it was when you are 17, but I like sitting on laps. 12 years on, I have not found a man I could sit on his lap. I sat on Ben College’s lap more in college than I did in my entire marriage. In fact there is only 1 picture in a 9 year relationship of me sitting on my ex husband’s lap. Yet there are pictures of me sat on Ben College’s lap. This was back when Facebook was only getting started. Which means I felt safer with Ben College than with my ex husband. Which, when I look back on it is 100% true. And Ben College and I weren’t even that close. I don’t really think we had classes together. But whenever we were together…yeah. Go me.

I loved sitting on Ben College’s lap. It was the best for me. Liam made me feel safe. Ben College made me feel like a woman, feminine. I stipulated his surname because my ex husband and my most recent date were both called Ben. They were both rubbish. This was the good one. He was into what he was into (i.e. things to terrify me) He was extremely knowledgeable about them, I respected his passions, maybe even drawn to it and cared for them and he was strong and big and manly (for his age, we were all 18) as a result, I felt very feminine, and sat on his lap. Like a cat. All the time. There are even pictures. I look happy. Because this cat had a lap to sit on. We were still friends, even though I was sitting on his lap.

By the way, Jamie, Liam and Ben were all in the same friendship group. There was also Theo, a straight up atheist dick, he thought that slapping religion down was a joke. He only had 1 line in that joke and it wasn’t funny. He thought it made him superior. The quality of your soul makes you a good person, or not. Not if you believe in souls. Theo I can see clearly now had very fragile self esteem, he couldn’t cope with weakness in anyone, or difference in opinion. It threatened him. And there was Alex, who was fun, but he took no classes with me so I didn’t really know him, but we’d eat together. Dear Lord, could Alex (and Ben College) eat. I guess because I’d been raised in a single child household I had no idea how much other people could eat. The time I went to pizza hut with them, they put away 10 slices… each. I ate 2. They were boys, and I enjoyed them greatly. They were immature, we all were, but not in the chauvinistic way.

A deeply scarring memory was a guy I liked, his name was Kevin he had economics and maths with me. He was plump, but had reasonable facial features. We were in Economics with another guy I liked Ed. They were across the classroom. Kevin announced (to the class) “aww I haven’t had sex with my girlfriend in 2 weeks! She went away for half term and then was on her period. 2 weeks!” I was horrified. Poured cold water on the attraction. The hell if my business was going to be published to an economics class. Later I found out my ex was doing the exact same thing. Except he was 30, not 17. He wasn’t even that good looking, he was really quite fat, it just didn’t show much on his face. I seem to go for fat guys, I won’t be doing that again. I don’t actually like dad bods. It’s a settling mechanism. I realise that now. I feel like I can’t get the 6 pack, so take the dude you aren’t attracted to with the flab pack. He won’t leave (He will, and you’ll be well shot of him) But it came from low self-esteem.

The truth is, I want to feel something of the thrill of my relationship with Jamie the ability to go head to head on a subject we both care about. But without the immature dickishness of being able to put me down whenever. I want the safety of Liam and “good Ben College’s” lap sits I am cat like and love being feminine.  I like popular guys like Kevin and Ed, but not at the expense of my dignity. You are expendable if you are like that. I’d rather be alone than used publicly to massage your small dick. I thought my ex husband was worldly. He just talked a good game and I was inexperienced. I prefer my college friends to anything I had with him. Its been tainted forever with the sheer mass volume of the lies he told at every stage. If you think about it, you pick up likes and dislikes from every relationship, with man or woman. So pay attention to what you like about the things you like. Even if it is something as simple as being able to sit on their lap.

Grace and Courage.

Annetta Mother Smith.